Relationships aren’t so easy and neither is a breakup when that relationship comes to an end. However, a break up with a toxic relationship seems impossible and the worst.
Toxic relationships are all different. Maybe your belittled and mocked. Maybe your never allowed to do anything and are bound to the other person’s side and can only go somewhere with permission. Perhaps your made fun of your weight, or calls you names. Maybe they’re a narcissist and can only love themselves while causing you pain.
My first marriage was a toxic relationship. I was made fun of and “talked down to” in front of friends. I would get questioned about my weight when I would go back for seconds. When I would say something, he claimed, “I was just joking.” It never felt like a joke. I would constantly be playing “detective” due to the constant women he would be texting. Constantly feeling insecure seeing the women he was talking to and wondered why I wasn’t good enough. I would hide in between the clothing hanging up in my closet and just cry till I couldn’t cry anymore. I would get told I was “crazy” or “getting upset for no reason” that it was nothing.
I realized I had become addicted to my past toxic relationship. How? I knew I wanted more for myself, yet I stayed. I knew I deserved better, yet I stayed. I knew it was not good for me, yet I stayed. I tried walking away several times knowing all of this, yet I was so afraid to be on my own, that I kept going back giving him another chance to change. I was only aiding in my own pain by doing this.
How I made my decision to walk away.
1. Deserving Better. I knew I deserved better. That this couldn’t be love that I’ve seen other people have. I knew I deserved to be truly loved. Not the kind of “love” I had, but real, genuine, reciprocated love. I battled through so many things in my life, that I felt too tired to continue to keep fighting anymore. But if I didn’t fight for myself and what I deserved, then who will? No one. I knew that healthy relationships don’t revolve around fear or intimidation, nor do they include belittling someone or breaking their spirit. I knew I had do something about it.
2. Present. I kept living in the past. I would constantly be reliving the happiest moment. Clinging on to them, hoping that it would change to that. That he would continue to be that person in that moment. But it wouldn’t happen. I had to snap myself out of that and make myself realize that the reality is that he wont ever truly be that person.
3. Keep a journal. I constantly wrote everything down in journals. Every confrontation, fight, tear that I cried. I wrote it all down. Even the good moments. I would reread my writings. I wasn’t happy. The bad was outweighing the good. In the moments I would second guess myself, I would read my journal and ask myself, “Is this what I am wanting to continue?”
4. Realizing It won’t change. You will never be able to make someone change. That person has to want to change themselves. It is ultimately out of your hands. They will do what they want, when they want, and how they want. Let’s be honest, if they want to continue to watch the person they “love” cry and be in pain knowing they caused it and still do not want to change, then they do not truly love you. You have to focus on healing yourself because you are the only one that is control of your happiness.
5. Knowing it will hurt. For so long I thought I was to walk away, but yet I kept going back. I think I was so use to the toxicity, that it became normal to me, so I began craving it without knowing it. In my mind I believed it was the love for that person that kept pulling me back in. But it is not love and I think a part of me somewhere knew this. I didn’t really walk away until I was completely ready and willing to do so. It wasn’t easy. It was one of the most difficult decisions I ever made. I felt connected to this person, but really my heart was chained to him. I felt I could not escape. I doubted everything about myself, insecurity was so high, felt weak and unworthy. I felt so small, but I hid it so well. I plastered on makeup, tried always making myself looking nice, and always posted pictures of myself. Deep down I was tearing myself apart never letting the world know the pain I was in. Lies of “how good things are” were only paired with the comfort of the “never ending cycle” of pain and chaos I called “love”. Yes, there was pain walking away, but in the end, it made me stronger, wiser, extremely happy, and I found myself.
6. Standing by my decision. I second guessed my decision so much before I just knew I had to do it. I was scared on the reaction of it all. So scared I almost decided not to do it. However, I knew I could not keep repeating all of this all over again. I knew I could not keep living this life of “love” and unhappiness. I had close friends and family that supported my decision in which helped me stay strong enough to follow through with my decision.
I wrote these poems during the most painful times throughout that relationship..
Walking away was truly the best decision I have ever made. Do I regret being in that relationship? Not at all because I have my three beautiful children from that relationship. It also turned me into the person I am today. After walking away, I realized how truly broken I had become from it. Sometimes though, you have to truly break down to finally find yourself and that is exactly what happened. I ended up building myself up, learned to be independent, and truly love myself for who I was. I found happiness within myself and knew I no longer needed someone else for my own happiness. That is the moment, when God knew I was ready for the love I deserved and he sent me, Jarad, the love of my life. God truly had a plan for me after all.