The end of a friendship and the beginning of loving myself.

You have heard parts of my story. The good. The bad. The joy. The tears. It is clear that I am no stranger to heartbreak from everything I have been through. Countless relationships that have let me down in one way or another. My birth parents not able to take care of me. Foster parent causing me to become a victim of child sex abuse at such a young age. My adopted mother constantly pushing me away, telling me I am not good enough. Never quite right or "too nice" for boyfriends. Then being cheated on countless times and emotionally torn apart by my ex husband. Many have continued to let me down through out my life. All of them leaving me with heartache and pain.  But one of the hardest of them all, the loss of a friendship.

The breakup of a friendship is just as equally painful. Unfortunately, I have had my fair share of those as well. The terms "squad goals" were never put as a hashtag under any photos. For years, I held on to friendships that were toxic and apart of me knew this. Some were also only one sided. I was too loyal, too invested, in trying to please people for so long. Needed their approval. Needing their love even when I tried to force it. That is the thing though. You can not force anyone to love you, to be your friend, to see you for you. 

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Post divorce, I suddenly became aware of many aspects of my life. One of them being that, I lost many of "friends" due to the divorce. I guess many assumed they had to pick a side. That right there, just shows they were never truly my friend in the first place. Throughout the years, I have lost many friendships, some decades old. Even though it hurt like hell to let them go, and I still find myself missing them, I know I am better off. I may can only count my true friends on one hand, but they damn sure are the truest friends I could ever ask for. They are genuine. Each one supports me in every way possible, are always genuinely happy for when I succeed. They are my biggest fans and always there cheering me on, as I am for them. We may all be states apart from one another, but when we see each other it is as if we were never apart.

From now on I am no longer chasing. No longer investing too much of myself. I will let friendships take their course. I will no longer give the friendships that are one sided or toxic any more of my energy. The ones that are worth it, will show themselves. Letting go is hard, but holding on to something that isn't working is that much harder.