I have always been one that has “loved too hard”, “too much”, and “too deeply”. Some may also call it, “wearing your heart on your sleeve”. It is something that is just natural to my heart. There is no on or off switch. There is no way to simply turn my heart off from loving the way I do. It is not something that can be controlled. It has always been to applied to everyone in my life, not just romantic relationships, but also to family and friends. It is who I am. Yes, it can be a downfall because it makes me “soft”, but it also makes me strong.
My emotions and feelings are incredibly strong. They run very deep into the core of my heart and soul. I have a heart that never wants to stop giving. I live to give. Some may think this is a good thing, and it definitely can be a great attribute. However, there are people that like to take advantage of that part of myself and only “take, take, TAKE!”
My heart. My soul. It has a craving. A starvation that leaves my insides aching. An emotional hunger for love. Not that “I have to have a boyfriend or I die” kind of love. But an authentic love that you receive from your family – your mother, your siblings. Growing up with the childhood I had, I was deprived of that love. Left feeling unloved, unappreciated, never good enough, leaving an enormous void in my heart. I crave their love, but you cannot make someone love you like you love them.
As loving as my husband is, it is not something his love could possibly fill (although I give him so much credit because he really tries to fill it) because it is a different type of love. This hunger is due to the love that was deprived. Due to the scars tattooed with goodbyes of everyone that has walked away from my life. It really makes you wonder if you are good enough. Questioning if you are defective in some way because your heart loves too deeply. Maybe the way I love doesn’t make sense to people and scares them? I honestly am still trying to figure it out.
When I look back at people I have been there for, I smile. I do not do it for the pats on the back or for something in return. I do it because I genuinely care. Plus, I just can’t convince myself to walk away from someone that needs help. A homeless person on the street- I find anything I have that would help. A sibling that needs a place to stay, I open my doors. A mom that needs a break, I offer to babysit. Someone that works hard and always doing things for everyone, I surprise them with a home cooked meal so they have a break from cooking for everyone else. I know my heart is in the right place when it comes to people that I love and care about. But what about your heart with me? Maybe we need to really start looking inward at our true selves. Reevaluate who we are because honestly people today.. well they are just so damn selfish.